Credit: MTV © and TM MTV Network Photo: Max and Charlie Carver in Teen Wolf Season 3

How does the Teen Wolf Season 3 premiere start? With a body dragged across the floor, and it’s Isaac? The poor guy, he has been being electrocuted and not as part of some kinky sex game from the looks of it, I’m sorry to report.

Issac has also been grievously wounded. A woman’s voice telling him this is how they share memories. It’s some chick who knows about Alphas and rides a motorcycle what’s not to love? Babes on Bikes, a girl recapping the program might say. Sadly, the Alpha pursuing Isaac and said Biker babe doesn’t seem to feel quite the same way, he advances, tearing at the tires of the bikes. He has a twin helping him, and while that is a little sexy to an observer, he also quickly becomes terrifying. Because there are two of him.  

TWIN BAD GUY ALPHAS YOU GUYS WITH MORE ABS THAN I HAVE HATS. Note: I have a lot of hats.

Scott continues to be proudly the biggest idiot in Beacon Hills and possibly the world. He drew out his tattoo for his tattoo artist. Both Stiles and the tattoo artist shame him for his carefully penned drawing of what is, effectively, an equal sign. Stiles passes out because he is Stiles. Also, because Scott is an idiot, his body heals the tattoo and Stiles is delighted because he finds body art gross. Stiles is eighty years old and I love him. His hair looks fab. Let’s all just get freaky and hang out. Is that weird to say? It’s weird.

Lydia and Allison are in a car. I guess Allison has been in France, and Lydia has been dealing with her boyfriend moving to London where all of the werewolves go. Just ask Warren Zevon. The girls are going on a double date. Their car pulls up next to the guys’ jeep. Because this is what happens when you break up with someone. Four months go by and then BOOM - there they are, impossible to escape. The girls can’t stand the awkward and blow through the red light. Then all the angst becomes moot when a deer plows into Lydia’s wind shield. It probably escaped from the set of Hannibal. Scott tells them that the deer had been terrified when it died. This seems obvious, but Scott can’t emphasize it enough something is afoot.

Credit: MTV Photo: Scott Has a New Love: His Bike

Isaac makes it to the hospital with Biker Babe, and Scott’s mom is there to tend to them. The Bike Babe has intel she can only give to Missus Nurse. She says she needs to find the Alpha just before she is whisked away. Of course, (this being television) Scott’s mom isn’t present when the chica in question completes her thought “...McCall. Scott McCall.” (You know, just in case we weren’t sure who she meant. I gasped. Because I knew I probably should. Then I took down my poster of Derek and replaced it with Scott. I like to breed healthy competition.

Oh my god they are making the fact that Scott is less than brilliant a plot point and I have never been more excited. I literally died and came back to life. Both he and Allison are getting ready for the first day of school, Allison has the normal reservations, as does Scott. Her dad talks her down from hers, Scott just does a lot of chin-ups and reads from his word of the day calendar, bless him. Stiles is late for school because he is researching deer accidents. His dad sasses him and then, realizing he has been bested, verbally literally drags him to class school. Oh those two.  Having a sexier morning is Lydia. She kicks a hot dude out of her bed while a bass beat plays. If this is her post Jackson reality, I am okay with it.

Scott arrives on a motorcycle to find two other motorcycles parked there. Why is everyone riding a motorcycle this season? Are motorcycles the new Macy’s? Instead of Macy’s bags and ATT phones will Hell’s Angels be there teaching the gang how to handle their hogs? I certainly hope so.

Credit: MTV Photo: Lydia and Stiles Are Looking Kind of Freaked Out

School is normal for five minutes, but then the Twins wander in and Lydia and Allison stop talking about their broken hearts to gaze at their splendor. They are shaken from their stupor when the biker babe appears, pleading with them to find Scott. Sadly, she’d just missed him. Scott made it through the introduction of their new tech-savvy english teacher Miss Blake, but then was off like a shot to the hospital when his mom called him with the skinny. The biker babe is upset by this, she leaves strange matching bruises on the arms of both girls, leaving me to believe they have an iron deficiency.

Stiles is still midly wigged about all of the weird animal activity after he learns that Lydia’s docile dog Prada had bitten her. Lydia is skeptical until a murder of crows (Google it guys, real thing) busts up all the windows! Then she is all “I BELIEVE, MULDER, I BELIEVE.” Stiles calls Scott to share this news as he shares all news, but Scott has no time for his shenanigans and tells him to come meet him and explain what went down.

Credit: MTV Photo: Derek, Stiles and Scott Look Pensive

This is because there is trouble afoot at the hospital! His mom directs his to Isaac’s room and he is waylaid by a blind English sounding guy. He helps the guy because after having just made a speech about how he will be more decent, he kind of can’t say no. By the time he makes it to see Isaac, the guy’s been tossed from Alpha to Alpha and Scott is left with no recourse other than getting in a fight in the elevator. You know who else loves a good elevator fight? DEREK. Probably Peter too, but he wasn’t there for this fight. Ah well, another time, PeHa. (Totally making that happen, help me Internet!)

While Allison tries to stay on the straight and narrow, part of an agreement she made with her father, Scott is trying to stay off of it, demanding that Derek give him more information about this new Alpha pack. Is Derek genuinely trying to help Scott lead a normal life, or is he already trying to destroy Scott, as the Biker Babe mentioned before she was killed that the head of the Alphas (and wouldn’t you know it, also the blind guy at the hospital) had planned all along.

Credit: MTV Photo: Stiles Isn't So Sure About This Idea

Rather than dwell on this, Scott demands that Derek repay his debt to him by helping his tattoo be around forever. Scott’s explanation is touching — his tattoo, a doodle of his, represents the open wound that is his heart. It’s a bit emo, but one hundred percent genuine. That said, you’ve got to be pretty wounded to let some werewolf burn your tattoo into sticking around with a blowtorch. Maybe the pain upped Scott’s curiosity, because before long he’s scratching the paint off of the newly painted door, revealing the Alpha Pack’s symbol and insisting Derek and Stiles tell him everything about the hunt for Erica and Boyd, and what’s to be done with the new dangerous strangers in town.