Let’s be clear: We do not think Damon Salvatore will die in the Season 2 Vampire Diaries finale. Don’t believe us? We have five reasons it ain’t gonna happen. But let’s add a sixth: If Damon died, Mystic Falls would become hella boring. Let’s get all It’s a Damon-ful Life here and picture Mystic Falls sans the sexy vamp. Yeah, they might as well change the name to Dullsville.
Scarf sales plummet
Oh no! Without every Caroline, Andie, and Bambi becoming Damon’s live blood donors, A Stitch in Time, Ms. Wendy Warren’s beloved shop for all things knitted, goes out of business. You see, pretty girls seeking fashionable scarves to hide their bruised, fang-marked necks provides a reliable source of income for Ms. Wendy. Her tea cozies and fingerless mittens just won’t pay the bills.
Founders Council volunteers flee
Darn it. The Council used to be able to count on Mindy Walsh to serve coffee, Brenda Cartwright to bake the goodies, and Kelly Rydowski to arrange the chairs and straighten up after meetings. Even a little manual labor was worth getting the chance to chat up the mysterious Mr. Salvatore. Now that Damon’s gone, Kelly straight up quit, Brenda’s been dodging Sheriff Forbes’ and Mayor Lockwood’s calls, and Mindy bursts into tears whenever someone says the word “hot.” Mystic Falls’ Craigslist page is full of pleas for pro bono assistance.
Without its best consumer, the bar at the Mystic Grill stopped ordering the 18-year-old Scotch. Alaric just can’t afford it on his teacher’s salary, although he’s been making a serious dent in their bottom-shelf varieties. Bartender Mark commiserates with Mystic Mart owner Terry, who used to make a tidy profit from being the only one store in town that carried Damon’s favorite bubble bath.
Andie Star loses her job
Everyone thought that Andie Star would take boyfriend Damon’s death hard. But while at first she seemed sad and a little lost, she soon began spouting off crazy conspiracy theories, like maybe Damon wasn’t really dead after all. When she printed a story entitled, “Where Are Our Lost Loved Ones?” including a tally of the many, many residents who had mysteriously disappeared over the years, her editors — after a whispered conversation with Mayor Lockwood — quickly dismissed her from her position. Andie is currently researching a book about the Bermuda Triangle and other bizarre phenomena. She does not yet have a publisher, though Ernesto Riley Publications is said to be interested.
Stefan and Elena run out of conversation
Cute a couple as they make, Elena can only hear Stefan’s stories about partying with Rolling Stones and going down to ‘Frisco to hear Allen Ginsberg read “Howl” so many times. (You don’t want to see pictures of the younger Salvatore from that era.) And Stefan never realized how little he and his doppelganger darling have in common. It doesn’t help that every time one of them begins a sentence, “Remember that time Damon…,” the other flinches like a terrified deer.
So, message to Vampire Diaries writers: Save Damon or Mystic Falls will hit an economic slump, Andie Star will go slightly mad, and Stefan and Elena’s relationship is doomed. Just sayin’.