Mystic Falls Survival Guide
Welcome to Mystic Falls! As you’ve undoubtedly realized, this part of Virginia is home to some of the most gorgeous landscape in America. From our lush forests to our eponymous falls, the stunning scenery is sure to draw you in.
While we think there’s no better place to raise a family, like every other town, Mystic Falls has its quirks. We’re offering new residents this handy tip guide to ensure their stay is fun, safe, and prolonged. We know you’ll “fall” for our town!
Don’t travel alone at night, even by car
Basically, just don’t travel anywhere after dark, unless you’re trained in many deadly arts. (Especially, and we can’t emphasize this enough, during full moons.) It’s not that the crime rate is high here; there just happen to be a lot of vicious, wild animals who aren’t afraid of humans and who seem to wander freely about town. Once we’ve elected a new Town Council, they’ll certainly look into the matter, and we are always in need of volunteers to patrol the forest.
Keep a close eye on your children
For some reason, the youths in Mystic Falls are a rambunctious bunch. Like most American teenagers, they love a good football game, but they also follow it up with some real ragers in the woods. Remember what we said about the woods? Even a clearing packed with teenagers won’t keep the kids from wandering away and falling down a ravine or something. In fact, even a school-sponsored event like a dance can spell disaster for your teen. Have you considered homeschooling?
We’ll be honest: Our teachers are not exactly Chilton Prep-caliber educators. Some keep inappropriately titled files on students who have been having problems at home, while others have close, personal relationships with certain members of their classes and completely ignore others. The MFHS staff is a whimsical bunch; they tend to leave without any notice, and they rarely send postcards after they’re gone. Perhaps this is why some of Mystic Falls High School’s students barely bother to attend class at all. If you don’t expect your child to get into a decent four-year college, then our school might be just the place for him or her!
Take up horticulture
Although native to this region, vervain no longer grows wild in Mystic Falls. It’s truly a shame, because the delicate purple blossoms are both aromatic and eye-catching. We encourage all residents to keep the lovely plant in their homes, and in fact, on their person at all times. It makes a lovely perfume.
There’s absolutely no drawback to being able to run very fast for long distances. But cardio isn’t really enough. Lift weights and train yourself in boxing and mixed martial arts. And even if you’re a pacifist, there’s nothing wrong with learning to defend yourself with deadly weapons.
The dating game sucks
While we’ve mentioned the beauty of the natural landscape, the human scenery in Mystic Falls is nothing to scoff at either. But we can’t stress enough that for your own protection, stick to the average-looking residents of Mystic Falls when you want a date. If someone looks like they could be an actor, model, or the like, just walk away. Or if you must, make out with them at the bar in the Mystic Grill, but do not leave with them or invite them into your home.
Go out to have fun
It seems contradictory to tell you not to go out and not to invite anyone into your home ever, but after you’ve lived here for awhile (provided you make it that long), you’ll realize all the socializing takes place during daylight at the Mystic Grill. There are probably other establishments in town; we don’t know. Maybe you should check out some of them, considering the clientele that frequents the Grill. We’re sure the library would be happy to accommodate your book club, the community center could host your Scrabble night, and any of the several restaurants would make an excellent locale for a birthday party. Anything is better than inviting strangers, or even people you think you know, love, and trust, into your home.
Once again, welcome to Mystic Falls. If you follow these simple rules, we can almost guarantee you months of happiness and well-being in your new home.