Damon Salvatore is the snark king of Mystic Falls. Sure, he mumbles and has a tendency to smirk. But oh — the things that come out of his mouth. So what witticisms did prime time’s finest bloodsucker drop in Vampire Diaries Season 4, Episode 1? Here are Damon’s best zingers from the fourth season premiere, “Growing Pains.”

8. Well, it is her life (or undeath?)
Damon: Your choice, Elena. As always.

7. But there’s always a first time
Damon, to StefanWay to get her hopes up for something that has never happened in the history of vampirism.

6. Technically, it still has the same number of quarterbacks...
Damon, to Stefan, about Matt: And now the world has one more quarterback. Bravo, brother.

5. Fair trade?
Damon, to Pastor Young, about Matt: Give me Stefan and Elena, and he’s all yours.

4. Don’t tempt the devil
Matt: Go ahead; kill me. You can’t possibly hate me more than I hate myself.
Damon: Oh, yes I can.

3. You oughta know
RebekahYou should know better than to sneak up on a lady.
Damon: Good advice. Have you seen one?

2. We stopped trying
Damon: It’s a little hard to keep track of all your choices lately, Elena.

1. So sad, so true
Damon: And you would have gotten to grow up and had the life that you wanted the life, that you deserved! And I know that I didn’t use to get that, but I do now, and I wanted that for you. And I would have gladly given it to you and let Matt die because I am that selfish. But you knew that already. The first night we met is not all that you remember.

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