Credit: Quantrell D. Colbert and Bob Mahoney/The CW ©2012 The CW Network Photo: Damon in Season 3, Episode 16: “1912”

Damon Salvatore is the snark king of Mystic Falls. Sure, he mumbles and has a tendency to smirk. But oh — the things that come out of his mouth. So what witticisms did prime time’s finest bloodsucker drop this week? Here are Damon’s best zingers from “1912.”

11. A little acknowledgment please..
Damon: I saved your life last night. You’re welcome.

10. Be careful what you ask for
Damon: I guess I could rip out Dr. False Accusation’s throat. Maybe her tongue. You know I could chew it up into little tiny pieces and feed it to the squirrels.
Elena: Stop it Damon.
Damon: Guess me staying out of it sounds like a good idea. Doesn’t it?

9. Back to normal?
Damon: I’m mean. You hate me. The earth is back on its axis.

8. Let’s do the time warp again
Damon: Nineteen-twelve: Or, as I like to call it. The last time Mystic Falls had a serial killer on its hands.

7. Who you callin’ a devil?
Damon (about Rebekah): Ooh. She-devil. Nine o’clock.

6. Post-coital diss
Damon: You know you don’t have to disguise your true motives. If you want more sex, just ask for it.
Rebekah: Not enough liquor in the world.
Damon: Ah, it was too good for you to be this hostile.

5. Meet my brother, the addict
Damon: You’ll have to excuse my little brother. He’s jonesing for some O positive.

4. Boys Night Out
Damon: Easy there lushy pants. It’s been a hoot and a half. But it’s boys’ night and you weren’t invited.

3. Can you buy that cleanse at Walgreens?
Rebekah: Why are you so grumpy?
Damon: He’s on a master cleanse, trying to be a better man and all.
Rebekah (to Stefan): You know you were a lot more fun in the ‘20s.
Damon: Don’t rile him up. He’s testy when he’s being self-righteous.
Stefan: I’m not being self-righteous Damon. I’m just not interested in slaughtering innocent human beings anymore.
Damon: Fair enough. My mistake. You used to be self-righteous.

2. Tough love
Damon (to Stefan): You’re not going to survive this cold turkey stuff. You never do.

1. He is his brother’s keeper
Damon: Whenever you go too far I will be there to pull you back. Every second. Every day until you don’t need me.
Stefan: Why?
Damon: Because right now you’re all I got.

 

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