Damon Salvatore is the snark king of Mystic Falls. Sure, he mumbles and has a tendency to smirk. But oh — the things that come out of his mouth. So what witticisms did prime time’s finest bloodsucker drop this week? Here are Damon’s best zingers from Vampire Diaries Season 4, Episode 9, “Oh Come All Ye Faithful.”

14.Amen to that
Damon (to Elena): This would be so much more fun if we were naked.

13.Carnal desires
Damon (about Stefan): I told him that I’d set you free right after I didn’t tell him that we slept together.
Elena: So what do you want to do?
Damon: I want to throw you back on my bed and never let you leave.
Elena: So do it.

12. Awkward
Damon: Well, that isn’t awkward at all. I’ll be anywhere else.

11. The guy from Family Feud would be so proud
Damon: Survey says. [He makes a buzzer noise.] Professor Shane has been dipping into the magical herbs a little too much if he thinks using a vampire to express the need to kill another one is going to work on a hunter. It’s like dangling a cheeseburger in front of someone on a master cleanse. …Just find someone else to attach your warm and fuzzy detour feelings to. [Looks at Bonnie] Gee, I wonder who that could be.

10. The rules of self-pity
Damon: You’re not allowed to feel this sorry for yourself unless you’re sitting on a barstool. [Opens a flask.] Fortunately, I travel with the bar.

9. Oh, but yes you can
Damon: Elena we can’t. I can’t.

8. But what’s “normal” in Mystic Falls?
Damon to Elena: It’s good to see you like that — all normal with your brother.

7. Look at you all Name Cally
Damon: Look at you, suddenly Polly Optimist.

6. Is Screech on that show,  too?
Damon: Saved by the cell phone.

5. Good question
Damon: What the hell is Professor Shady Pants doing here?

4. “People.” But not us. For reals.
Damon: Try the sock drawer. People leave the sketchiest stuff in their sock drawers.

3. Where can we get that tea?
Damon: If your hypno herbs work we should be singing kumbaya around a  fire by dinner.

2. Because killing is bad, D
Damon: So tell me why I’m not killing you?

1. Liar, liar!
Damon: I’m setting you free, Elena. This is what I want. This is what will make me happy.


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