Damon Salvatore is the snark king of Mystic Falls. Sure, he mumbles and has a tendency to smirk. But oh — the things that come out of his mouth. So what witticisms did prime time’s finest bloodsucker drop this week? Here are Damon’s best zingers from Vampire Diaries Season 4, Episode 2, “Memorial.”

15. A little disagreement about process
Damon: She’s going to go off the rails eventually anyway, Stefan. So the faster we can make that happen, the sooner we can get her back on track.

14. If it walks like a duck…
Damon, to Elena: Am I wearing my “I-blew-up-the-town-council” T-shirt? Why does everybody keep asking me that?

13. Narcissism at its finest
Damon, to Sheriff Forbes: Well, don’t look at me like that I always take credit for killing people.

12. Unleash the beast
Elena: You’re still not on board with the animal plan?
Damon: Nope. I say rip off the proverbial band-aid, and let it bleed. You’re a vampire. Be a vampire.

11. It’s called venison
Damon, to Stefan: You’d better hope she’s not a fan of Bambi

10. Extreme diets never work
Damon, to Stefan: You name me one vampire who went on the bunny diet and didn’t kill dozens.

9. She has to crawl before she walks
Damon, to Stefan: She can’t learn to control the bloodlust if she’s never actually experienced the bloodlust. It’s a cheat. It’s like giving a kid a calculator before they know match.

8. The logic is unquestionable
Damon, to Sheriff Forbes: If I was going to kill a bunch of people, I wouldn’t blow them up. I’d have a dinner party.

7. Frenemies are the worst
Liz, about the council members: They were my friends.
Damon: Well, your friends tried to kill your daughter.

6. No way Elena didn’t know that
Damon: Just don’t tell Stefan
Elena: Why not?
Damon: Because... blood-sharing is kind of personal.

5. That’s some welcome party
Damon: So what brings you to Mystic Falls? Bible salesman?
Connor: No actually I’m in environmental clean-up. I heard you had a bit of a pollution problem.

4. The truth hurts
Damon: Your four-legged protein shake was a bust. The juice box is a no go. She can’t even keep my blood down.
Stefan: She drank from you?
Damon: Oops. Did I say that out loud.

3. Them’s fightin’ words
Damon: You have 10 seconds before I go old fashioned on the guy.

2. Know thyself
Damon: Japanese lanterns are a symbol of letting go of the past. Well, here’s a news flash: We’re not Japanese.

1. Soliloquy of the week
Damon, to Alaric’s grave: What difference does it make? In the end, when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing that you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be. And a rock with a birthdate carved into it that I’m pretty sure is wrong. So, thanks friend. Thanks for leaving me here to babysit.

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Credit: YouTube Photo: Vampire Diaries Season 4, Episode 2, "Memorial" Spoiler Video: Elena Needs Damon's Help