Credit: Quantrell Colbert/The CW © 2011 The CW Network, LLC Photo: Damon Stares in Season 2, Episode 15: "The Dinner Party"

Damon Salvatore is the snark king of Mystic Falls. Sure, he mumbles and has a tendency to smirk. But oh — the things that come out of his mouth! So what witticisms did prime time’s finest bloodsucker drop this week? Here are Damon’s best zingers from “Crying Wolf.”

5. You’re kidding, right?
Damon: You have your story straight in your mind, right?
Andie: I can’t say that you bit me or drank my blood just that we hit it off and I really like you. You are terrific though. You’re sweet and funny. You’re honest.
Damon: And you’re falling for me.
Andie: You might be the one.
Damon: Perfect.

4. Spoiler alert!
Damon (to Jules and Stevie): If you only knew the irony of this moment right now. Let me tell you how this is going to go. You’re going to torture me. I don’t talk. Somebody loses a heart.

3. Oh, Damon
Damon (to Alaric): That’s my new girlfriend. Andie Starr: Action News.
Alaric: It’s not called Action News.
Damon: Yeah? Well I just like saying it.

2. But I didn’t sign on the dotted line
Damon: You can’t kill me man. It’s not part of the deal.

1. That’s a good question
Alaric: What’s up with you and this news chick?
Damon: She’s got spunk, huh?
Alaric: Just don’t kill her, please.
Damon: If I did, who’d report her death?