Credit: Quantrell D. Colbert/The CW Photo: Damon Smolders in Vampire Diaries Season 3, Episode 12, “The Ties That Bind”

Damon Salvatore is the snark king of Mystic Falls. Sure, he mumbles and has a tendency to smirk. But oh — the things that come out of his mouth. So what witticisms did prime time’s finest bloodsucker drop this week? Here are Damon’s best zingers from “The Ties that Bind.”

6. Damon can ride with us any time

Damon: Road trip. I call shotgun.

5. Look who’s playing detective

Alaric: Who do you think killed him?
Damon: I don’t know. But if I was a cop, your sexy doctor lady friend would definitely be a suspect.

4. Here’s to looking out for your friends

Meredith: Would you rather I say ‘He was staked like a vampire?’
Damon: Wasn’t he the guy who coined the phrase ‘animal attack?’
Meredith: Why do you even care?
Damon: Because Ric likes you and if you’re a psychopath that would really suck for him.
Meredith: You think I killed my ex-boyfriend?
Damon: I think psychopaths are incredibly high maintenance.
Meredith: If you care about your friend go figure out how Alaric came into the ICU on his death bed and walked out an hour later without a scratch.
Damon: Fair enough.

3. He’d like a second opinion

Damon: I proved your theory: Diagnosis: Psycho case. You’re welcome.

2. Some questions should not be asked

Damon: You’re going to want to buff up before you start dating this one. Self defense and all.
Alaric: What’s your problem?
Damon: Your doctor Vervained me and then she blood-jacked me.
Alaric: What? When did you even see her?
Damon: When I went to the hospital to accuse her of killing her ex-boyfriend, which by the way, is a very sensitive subject.

1. Think before you speak
Damon: Insulting a bunch of dead witches? Not smart. I made the exact same mistake when I came in here.

 

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