Credit: Quantrell D. Colbert/The CW Photo: Damon Wears a Tight T-Shirt in Season 3, Episode 4: “Disturbing Behavior”

Damon Salvatore is the snark king of Mystic Falls. Sure, he mumbles and has a tendency to smirk. But oh — the things that come out of his mouth. So what witticisms did prime time’s finest bloodsucker drop this week? Here are Damon’s best zingers from “Disturbing Behavior.”

9. So weird it’s true.
Damon: So Mayor Lockwood called your gay ex-husband to torture your vampire daughter?

8. Help, don’t hurt!
Damon: So, Bill, I hear you’re into the whole daddy daughter vampire torture thing.
Bill: I was trying to help her.
Damon: If there’s anyone who doesn’t need help it’s your annoying control freak of a daughter.

7. Can we focus on me, please?
Damon: He [Bill] threatened to out me. Don’t even get me started on the irony of that.
Elena: What did you do to him? How do you know the compulsion didn’t work?
Damon: That’s not the most important piece of information I mentioned, Elena.

6. He’s got a point.
Damon: I should have killed him this morning.
Elena: He’s Caroline’s dad.
Damon: Yeah. And when I kill him she’ll have one more parent than we do.

5. But you’re assuming he cares.
Bill: I knew I was taking a big risk by not leaving town. But I figured you’re not self-destructive enough to kill the town sheriff’s ex-husband.
Damon: That makes you the third person to underestimate me today.

4. Tastes like joy.
Damon: You know with all this behavioral modification going on around here I almost forgot how good blood tastes when it’s fresh.

3. She threw the first punch.
Damon: Bummer. I love a good girl fight.

2. Kill or be killed
Alaric: You killed me.
Damon: You pissed me off.
Alaric: You killed me!
Damon: Ric, no hard feelings Alright? I was on a bit of a tear and everyone was trying to tell me how to behave.
Alaric: Maybe they finally realized you’re a dick.

1. You ain’t never lyin’.
Damon: I am not Stefan. How about you stop trying to turn me into him?