In tonight's Vanderpump Rules Season 2, Episode 5 recap, Jax Taylor has a health scare, while Kristen Doute is furious about rumors of Tom Sandoval's cheating. Let's take a look at tonight's top five craziest moments. But first, please take the maxi-pads out of your shoes.

5. Tom and Ariana go on a shopping date. Bad idea, you two!

There have been plenty of rumors circulating about Tom and Ariana Madix, which is why we're surprised they decide to go thrift-shopping together. We're also starting to wonder if they did in fact sleep together, seeing as how Ariana was way too into the fact that Tom was in marching band.

4. The girls do a burlesque show  but Scheana isn't happy

Lisa Vanderpump decides to help surprise business partner Guillermo Zapata with a burlesque party, which involves the SUR servers doing a sexy performance. But Scheana Marie couldn't possibly complain more about having to get into costume. So much for being a team player.

3. Jax finds a lump, which Stassi criticizes him for

Jax is freaked out about the lump on his chest, since breast cancer runs in his family. However, Stassi isn't in a sympathetic mood, as she blames the lump on his excessive amounts of supplements. She then gives new meaning to the phrase "pouring money down the drain."

2. Kristen calls out Dani for the Tom-Ariana rumors

Dani has been speculating that something happened between Tom and Ariana. Kristen isn't appreciating the rumors and tells Dani not to talk smack about her boyfriend. But, uh, Kristen doesn't use the word "smack."

1. Stassi apologizes to Jax  but Jax realizes he's over her

Stassi finally tells Jax she's sorry for criticizing him during his time of need. But when she calls him out for drinking too much, he says he's numb to everything, and he then tells us that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore. At least he didn't do anything crazy like get a tattoo of her name. Oh, wait...