Another week, another crop of X Factor quotes. This week's certifiably insane musings from the brilliant minds of Simon Cowell, Demi Lovato and Paulina "I Swear People Know Who I Am In Mexico" Rubino rivaled the even more insane musings from the contestants. And when we say "musings" we most definitely mean subtle cries for help. Not even Mario Lopez's cavernous dimples can make these poor souls feel better about the cruel and unusual rejection they face at the hands of the judges.
1. Paulina offers a musing: "I don't know you, but I feel really proud of you."
And we don't know you, Paulina. We literally have no idea who you are.
2. Simon tries not to vomit all over his v-neck shirt: "You're making me feel sick."
We're so glad Simon's unborn child will have this tender footage to look back on.
3. Paulina makes everyone uncomfortable: "I hope I get boys (cackles)."
4. Simon insults a contestant: "You look like a cake."
Um, is this supposed to be a bad thing?
5. Paulina morphs into a pirate: "ARRRRRRRR."
Whatever, just let her be.
6. Simon gets creative with his analogies: "You're like a singing tortoise."
We would take offense, but we can hardly understand his accent. It's called AMERICAN, Simon.
7. Random contestant gets her nerd on: "I read, like, about neuroscience."
If the title doesn't start with "50 Shades" we want no part of it.
8. Kelly Rowland hits on innocent youth: "You a nice little corn fed country boy."
Great, we can never eat corn again.
9. Simon gets all English on us: "What the bloody hell was that?"
No one understands you colloquial words from The Motherland, Simon.
10. InTENsity reject tries to bond with Simon: "Do you remember me? First season?"
Yikes. The burn.
11. Simon feels the love: "When someone I hate gets married, I'm going to ask you to perform at their wedding."
You're welcome in advance, Demi Lovato!
12. Simon manages to insult an entire family: "I'd hate to be your parents."
Sometimes we remember that Simon's about to be a dad and we get super worried.
What were some of your favorite quotes from Week 2? Sound off in the comments!