I recently told one of my besties one of my deepest, darkest boudoir secrets, and, to my utter surprise, she admitted the same. Neither of us initiates sex with our husbands...like...ever. For shame, for shame, but I have to wonder if other women experience the same thing. My friend and I both admitted that we enjoy it once our spouses get the ball rolling, but it was just not in our mindset to do so ourselves.
Sure, we can blame it on the trials and tribulations and pure exhaustion caused by motherhood, but that excuse can only go so far. As Marriage and Family Therapist Carin Goldstein said in an article on YourTango, “If you are a woman caught in the ‘exhaustion web’ then you need to ask yourself: Where in my life can I either slow down, delegate to others, and/or let go of responsibilities that are not as high priority so that I can reserve energy and interest for my relationship at home?”
As women, we need to initiate sex, and here’s why. While many men hide behind a lot of bravado, most of them have fairly fragile egos. And, after a while, always having to be the one to initiate the horizontal boogie is going to wear on them. What’s worse is it could start to feel like a grind to always be the go-getter, and they, too, might fall victim to the old hit-the-pillow-and-snooze routine. And, as we all know (and research backs us up), a sexless marriage is more likely to end in divorce.
Les Parrot, professor of psychology at Seattle Pacific University and author of Crazy Good Sex, goes so far as to say that failing to initiate sex is one of the biggest mistakes women make.
“Most guys feel like they are always the initiator and that sets up disequilibrium on the passion scale in the relationship,” he said in an article on WebMD. Generally, men want to be pursued by their partners just as much as women do.”
If you’re like me, you almost feel like you get a mental block about doing so after a while. So the one thing I know I’m going to try, and I highly suggest that you do the same (if initiation is an issue for you) is a technique that I learned when getting my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. It’s called “fake it ‘til you make it”. And, no, I don’t mean that you should fake your orgasms. Basically, it just means that you can fake enjoyment in the act of initiating sex and, eventually, it will really happen. Once you establish a bit more equilibrium in the bedroom, the sky’s the limit. And, chances are, he’ll make sure you’re more than pleased with the outcome because he’ll be feeling pretty good about himself (and you).