Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FOX ©2013 Fox Broadcasting Co.

The X Factor is back and better than ever, by which we mean Mario Lopez's dimples are even more dimply, Simon Cowell's free-flowing chest hair is blowing in the breeze generated by Paulina Rubio's hair, and Demi Lovato's eyebrows are once again trying to take over the world.

This week's premiere was a cornucopia of LOLs, quips, and certifiably insane contestants, and the time has come to round up some quotables. We know what you're thinking: without Godney Spears uttering musings like "You need a new teacher to teach you how to sing," what's the point of even watching this show?

Read on to find out, brave souls.

1. Random contestant on his hopes and dreams: "I wanna make girls scream."

We'll be sleeping with a knife tonight.

2. Kelly Rowland on her ideal X Factor winner: "They're hungry...starving."

More proof that X Factor is secretly The Hunger Games.

3. Simon stays positive: "You know when you have an air raid warning? It was like that."

Way to crush dreams and ruin lives, Simon.

4. Simon feels iffy: "What the hell was that?"

Clearly he just saw a fleeting reflection of his fluffy middle-parted hair in the mirror.

5. Paulina finger wags for no apparent reason: "DON'T SAY IT MAMMA, DON'T SAY IT."

We literally don't know what she's talking about, but we felt like this quote should be in all caps.

6. Simon yays or nays a contestant: "I'm gonna say no…. KIDDING!"

It's so hilarious when Simon toys with people's sanity. The hijinks!

7. Paulina comes clean: "I believe in love. I'm a believer."

Not to be confused with a "Belieber," which is what we are.

8. Random plebeian throws shade at Simon: "Ummm...what's your name?"

Oh no she did not.

9. Simon's throws shade right back: "Denver hates you."

Oh yes he did.

10. Simon attempts to converse with his fellow judges: "You go, gurl."

Clearly there needs to be another man on this panel.

11. Adorable curly haired contestant, Jeff Brinkman, makes us love him: "I have a doggy day care."SQUEEEEEEEL.

12. Rejected contestant enters random isolated room, proceeds to have a breakdown: "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW."

Shhhhhh, everyone. Feelings are happening.  

13. Kelly real talks: "What's the point of trying to be a spring chicken when you can be a fine wine?"

OMG, suddenly we're hungry for coq au vin.

14. Demi gets super excited by vaguely perverted ice cream man contestant: "Do you have the red white and blue pop? AND THE PINK PANTHER?!"

And we thought she couldn't get anymore perfect.

What were some of your favorite moments from Week 1? Sound off in the comments!

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