You guys, it's really stressful auditioning for The X Factor. Like, do you braid your mullet, or do you fishtail it? Do you wear your formal jeans, or do you opt for some sexy pleated khakis? Life is so hard, and no one knows that better than the tragic gaggle of rejects who performed during this week's X Factor auditions. A charming group of hill people who we've decided are our new best friends. Sure, these folks can't sing, but we've rounded up the best of the worst to make them feel special anyways.
Shirley & Cynthia Make Us Wish We Were Watching The Voice
Oh, Shirley and Cynthia. These teenage dreamers were all kinds of stylish (who doesn't love a fashionable pair of skin-tight golden lame tights, right?), but tragically they were completely tone deaf. Their rendition of The Jackson Five's "I Want You Back" made us want to buy them a one way ticket to Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch and neverland let them come back (see what we did there? Wordplay!). Then again, not even the Peter Pan statues in the dilapidated ghost town that is MJ's home deserve to be assaulted with the musical offerings of this sister-sister duo.
Vincent Crisostomo? More Like Vincent CHRISTostomo
Look, Vincent (can we call you Vinny?), we know you're famous in your backwoods swamp town of "SELDEN" and that apparently you need a bodyguard to protect you from all the dudes that are trying to steal the bagels at your bagel shop, but maybe you shouldn't pin all your hopes on winning The X Factor. Actually, what are we saying? Vincent's rendition of Leann Rimes' "How Do I Live Without You" made us realize we literally cannot live without him. Like, what are we even going to do now that he's done suckling at Simon Cowell's talent teat? Take a trip to Selden, that's what. We're coming for you, bagel shop! Ready your bodyguard, Vincent, because we're getting all up on your decorative facial hair.
Chloe J Swaps Spit With Simon
We're in love with Chloe J and CJ. Not to be confused with in love with their voices, which were almost as tragic as that weird ball of middle-parted fluff masquerading as Simon Cowell's hair. But major props to Chloe for wandering up to Simon after her horrible performance and trying to give him a hickey. Considering that this dude is a professional producer of both love children and music, we totally understand why she felt the need to lick him all over his face. We do the same thing with our Simon Cowell blow-up doll on a nightly basis.
Blake Shankle Time Travels From the 90s
OK, so Blake Shankle doesn't have the best voice. Actually, he has the worst voice ever. But we were mesmerized by this dude's hair coif –– a spiral of tresses so fantastic that Blake claims he gets compared to the likes of David Beckham. We're thinking he has more a Miley Cyrus thing going on, but whatever floats his pompadour. Also, props to Blake for wearing a super 90s tie-dye denim shirt to his audition! Sure, the performance itself was a complete failure, and yes, Paulina accused him of "posing" too much (to the left, Paulina), but we still want to live in his hair forever.
Brandy Chivers Sings in the Language of Love
You Guys. Brandy Chivers sang her audition in Pig Latin. Actually she rapped it, and it was the most amazing thing that's ever happened. Even more amazing than this picture of Simon Cowell. Tragically, Simon and his fleet of indentured servants (aka Kelly, Demi and Paulina) were unimpressed, because apparently they didn't spend their formative years speaking Pig Latin in summer camp while braiding friendship bracelets and singing kumbaya. Their loss. Now excuse us while we go start a record company for the sole purpose of hiring Brandy. OR-Yay Elcomway. (That's you're welcome in Pig Latin, duh.)
Who was the worst audition from The X Factor Week 2? Sound off in the comments!