Another week, another round of X Factor auditions. Now that we've weeded out the weak / deranged / certifiably insane from the strong, things are finally getting real. By which we mean there's actual talent on the show, as opposed to a tragic collection of backwoods hill people and their mulleted love children. Check out the best performances from Kelly Rowland and Demi Lovato's Four Chair Challenges, some of which had us weeping into our jumbo-size bag of Funyuns* with emotion.
*Because The X Factor is fun, duh.
You might remember Victoria as the lady who somehow managed to push eight children out of her lady parts and lived to tell the tale. She won the judges over with her raspy voice and ability to bear children, and her rendition of Bob Dylan's "Make You Feel My Love" was beautiful. Yeah, yeah, Simon Cowell hated her — but clearly he just has some agenda against Octomoms. We think Victoria could go far in this competition, but please join us in issuing a PSA about pigtails and how not to take liberties with them.
Jeff Gutt just can't stop popping up on The X Factor. Despite the fact that he was brutally rejected last season, our favorite grifter is back for more — and this week he sang "Amazing Grace." Because America, guys. This performance was totally a metaphor for the government shutdown — which we're pretty sure Simon Cowell is responsible for, by the way. Did you see the way Demi and her fedora were nodding in approval while Jeff was belting it out? Dude nailed it.
So, Santa Claus took a break from mingling gleefully with his elf friends to hit up The X Factor for another outstanding performance — this time of "In the Midnight Hour." It was super disappointing that he didn't sing "Frosty the Snowman" but we seriously couldn't believe his amazing voice. Tragically, Kelly sent Santa home because apparently she's a huge Grinch who hates Christmas and sugar and spice and everything nice. Suffice it to say she's going to end up with a giant lump of coal in her stocking, not to mention on Santa's naughty list. His exact words? "And none for Gretchen Weiners Kelly Rowland, bye."
James is a total heartthrob despite the fact that he's in the geriatric segment of the competition, and his outstanding performance of "Lean on Me" blew the judges away — especially Kelly, who kicked one of his competitors out of their chair so he could make it to live shows. Also, does anyone else feel like hugging their TV? His performance was so emotional, we're just overwhelmed with feels!
Much like a cloud, we want to float away on Lillie's voice. Too much? Sorry not sorry. We have so many feelings and emotions thanks to her gorgeous version of "A House Is Not A Home," which basically had us face planting into a pool of our own tears. Lillie got a well-deserved standing ovation from the audience as well as the judges, and Paulina Rubio even uttered the musing "thank you so much for giving us so much." Preach.
There are no words to describe how much we love Khaya. Except for all of these ones: This girl's stellar performance of "Locked out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars was stunning — and did you see the way Simon was grinning at her? It's like he had just gotten the news that he's about to be a dad. Which he totally is! Khaya has the X Factor for sure, and we won't be shocked if she wins this thing.
We love that Simone is a self-declared mega-nerd, but we love her voice even more. This sweetheart's performance of "A Change Is Gonna Come" was all kinds of powerful! Sure, Simon (Simone's name twinsie) tried to insult the song choice by calling it "karaoke," but please. We all know karaoke is his favorite thing to do when he's all alone on a Friday night, so this insult is most definitely a secret compliment. Also we really appreciate that whoever filmed Simone's segment forced her to sit on the dock of the bay and stare vacantly at a tepid body of water.
These are the things Danielle said during her segment: "my education is really important to me" and "I'd love to become a neurosurgeon." But we forgive her for having plebeian dreams because she sang her face off during her version of "Georgia on My Mind." In the words of Simon, she's shy, humble, and we hope she never changes! Except out of that maxi skirt, because our eyes. Also, Danielle spent much of this episode mixing potions in some weird chemistry lab, so we can only assume she's trying to poison Paulina Rubio.
Ellona Rano Santiago
You might remember Ellona from the hilariously terrible X Factor group known as "InTENsity," a.k.a. the biggest fail ever. But girlfriend is back for revenge... er, we mean she's back to win the competition! Ellona's rendition of "Clarity" by Zedd impressed Demi enough to land a spot in the final four, but let's be real. She's totally plotting a way to take Simon Cowell down for destroying her inTENse dreams.
Rion Paige Thompson
How much do we love Rion Paige? Let us count the ways. Not only are we obsessed with her mane of curly lion hair and spunky attitude, her voice is out of this world! Rion's performance of "I Won't Let Go" by Rascal Flatts was beautiful, and as our girl Demi mused, when we look at her, we don't see anything different. Blinded by tears, kthanksbye.