Credit: Fox

Honestly, this list should just be a transcription of every single thing that comes out of Mario Lopez's mouth. He's just so in his element, guys! Clearly, Mario is super excited about hosting The X Factor without Khloe Kardashian mouth vomming all over him, and his dimples are even more dimply than usual as a result. But we wouldn't dare whip up a quotes roundup without musings from Simon "Life Ruiner" Cowell and his sidekicks Demi Lovato, Kelly Rowland, and that other random. Check 'em out!

1. Paulina Rubio muses in her native tongue: "This is loco...LOCO!"

We can only assume she's talking about Simon's hair.

2. Paulina is blown away by Jeff: "I feel the power that you have is beyond your voice."

OMG, Jeff is a wizard. OMG, Jeff is Harry Potter.

3. Mario terrifies a bunch of old people: "Tonight, the over 25s are fighting."

You know who isn't fighting? KHLOE KARDASHIAN. Because she wasn't even invited.

4. Mario gets all fired up: "I'm all fired up!"

He's so excited, he's so excited! He's so… scared.

5. Simon tries to insult a contestant, ends up paying her the biggest compliment ever: "The word that comes to mind is 'wannabe'"

Guys, Simon's a Spice Girls fan!

6. Denny Smith remains perfect: "Every day of my life I walk down the street and people are like 'Hey, Santa!'"

Living our dream life, to be honest.

7. Demi bestows a compliment on a plebeian: "You killed it."

We knew this day would come. People have started literally slaying each other.

8. Simon shows some tender love: "The arrangement of the song was a joke."

Much like your cashmere sweater.

9. Mario muses: "One of these four girls must now be switched out of her seat and out of the show."

Plastic white chairs have never been so scary.

10. Simon hates on moms: "It seems like everything you did tonight was chosen by your mother."

Insert "your mom" joke here.

11. Simon becomes filled with ennui: "That was actually beyond awful. It was seriously, seriously dreadful."

Probably the nicest thing he's said all night.

12. Simon tries not to chop off his ears: "It was the longest minute and a half of my life."

That's what she said. Zing!