Welcome to the scariest moment of your life. The moment Simon Cowell exposed his vampire teeth to the world and tried to eat Khloe Kardashian's boobs. This week, X Factor debuted its first live show, a moment so exciting that we literally face-planted all over our computer, our halloween costume, and our work-in-progress ceramic figurines of Emblem3. But as usual, there were some WTF moments. Actually, the show was one giant WTF puddle, and we are currently drowning in it.
1. CeCe's Hair. CeCe's Eyes. CECE's EVERYTHING.
Remember when CeCe was just like us? She woke up in the morning, put her spandex on one leg at a time, and then painted a delicate cluster of leopard spots all over her face. But now CeCe has dyed her hair platinum blonde and she seems to think green eye-makeup is socially acceptable. Basically, she's what would happen if Ke$ha gave birth to a full grown love child.
2. Paige Arrives Onstage Dressed Like Giant Sea Urchin
Things are happening, and all of them are super scary. It started when Paige took to the stage while wearing a helmet of spikes and a frozen octopus on her shoulder. We can only assume she performed some kind of ritualistic sea creature murder spree before the show, and then attached a few dead urchin bodies to her leotard in celebration. In short, she was Ursula and her backup dancers were Flounders waiting to die.
3. X Factor's Backstage Has Us Worried
We took a trip to The X Factor's backstage with Khloe Kardashian, and what we saw has us concerned. First of all, every single performer was jam-packed in a small hallway, because apparently Simon couldn't spring for dressing rooms. Also, said performers were having a collective breakdown — one of the Emblem3 dudes was doing pushups in a frenzy, another Emblem3 dude was slapping his thighs in panic, and the Artists Formerly Known As LYLAS were huddled in a group trying not to cry. #worried
4. Khloe's Boobs Come out to Say Hi
We need to talk about Khloe, because she's our new feminist sista-friend and thanks to her we just burned our bras. Khloe decided to kick off her hosting gig on X Factor by letting her lovely lady lumps fly free in a vaguely see-through blouse, prompting thousands of pre-pubescent boys to feel weird things. Including Simon Cowell, who spent most of the live show talking about Khloe's nipples.
5. The X Factor Tries to Get Into the Halloween Spirit, Fails Miserably
Let's not forget that The X Factor Live Shows weren't supposed to air until next week, which means the Powers That Be weren't exactly prepared for Halloween. Lord knows all the performers would have dressed up as slutty zombies if they'd had advanced notice. Sigh, what a missed opportunity. Instead, The X Factor producers decided to improvise with some "light tricks," and the occasional sound clip of a wayward intern saying "Bwahahhahah" into a microphone. One word: nope.
6. Simon Wears Vampire Teeth, Is Super Duper Bad at Halloween
We are so sad. Simon Cowell was the only X Factor judge who got into the spooky-scary spirit with some vampire teeth, and even that was an epic fail. It's like, SIMON. The only acceptable outfit to pair with vampire teeth is either an 18th century blouse circa Tom Cruise in Interview With A Vampire, or a full coat of body glitter circa Edward Cullen in Twilight. Instead, Simon paired his teeth with a fluffy cashmere sweater.
7. Beatrice Miller Gets Meta
Close your eyes and picture this: Beatrice Miller with crimped hair, wearing anywhere from 50-100 prayer beads, sitting on a stoop while her alter-ego, LED Beatrice Miller, lingers in the background surrounded by comets. Excuse us, we have to go write a thesis about this moment, because we're pretty sure it's a post-post-modern art experiment that needs immediate analysis. Chapter One: Is Beatrice Miller The Lost Child of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain? Chapter Two: Are Comets Secretly Glitter Bombs?