Credit: NBC

Even though Simon was out sick for the Kansas City auditions (we wish we could have seen his face when CeCe Frey butchered “Unchained Melody”), he certainly came back ready to remind us why he’s the meanest man on our minds.

Let’s recap what the tight-shirted terror had to say about some of the contestants on The X Factor’s September 19th episode.

“I didn’t get it. The more the track went on, the more you were getting overexcited in the vocals.”
Better than getting overexcited elsewhere on live TV.

“It’s like you’re in a time machine for me.”
We get what you mean, but do you know what you said?

“It was like the six of you were waiting for a bus and somebody asked you to sing... a Demi Lovato song.”
Eh. Weak finish, Simon. The first part of that had great promise. Keep trying — you’ve got a whole season to snapify your insults.

“I won’t remember you in fifteen minutes.”
Bet that’s not the first time he’s said that to somebody who failed to perform up to his standards. Heyo!

“Panda — You sound like a legend.”
Write it down, folks. That might be the nicest thing he says all season.

“She has pneumonia? Is that infectious?”
This just in: Simon skipped health class in high school. Time to get tested, ladies...

“I hate this song... I can’t have any more Adele songs.”
Good thing this is The X Factor USA, because you woulda gotten a cuppa to the face for that comment in the U.K., Cowell.

“You’re like a singing candle. You just stand there and melt.”
We’re definitely going to use that one.

“I wouldn’t play that at my funeral.”
Touché, sir, touché.

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