The X Factor makes us feel so many feelings, including but not limited to weird ‘90s vibrations, fear (looking at you, Simon), pity (looking at you, L.A. Reid), and the overwhelming desire to get up and siiiiiiiing!
Tragically, not all of us are meant to be songstresses, which we found out the hard way during the first half of X Factor's auditions. Let's just say we are currently curled up in the fetal position, shaking and crying next to our Britney Spears dream journal circa 1998.
In other news, check out the worst performers of the night! Um, also, in case you missed it, the credits for X Factor take place IN SPACE.
1. Kaci Newton Displeases Britney Spears, Gets Auf'd
First of all, did you see the size of Kaci's pearl necklace? Simon wanted to clutch it so bad. Mostly because her performance sounded like a small southern cat experiencing death by its own meows. Unfortunatly, like most cats, Kaci re-birthed and broke into spontaneous song, causing Britney to make all kinds of faces that we'll be replicating in the mirror for the rest of the night.
2. Shawn Armenta Belts Out a Tune, May Be Arrested At Any Moment
First of all, we loved Shawn’s grey hoodie. And there's no denying that boyfriend (sorry, manfriend) practiced super hard for this performance. What we didn't love was the fact that he sang about sexing-up underage ladies and their "yummy buns" while festive lights bounced off his bald head. Then again, Shawn might be our new best friend. It's really hard to tell at this point, so stay tuned.
3. Don Philip Makes Britney Uncomfortable, Is Immediately Removed From Premises
There comes a point in every pop princess' life when random plebeians from ye olden times track you down in San Francisco, put on a performances of "Halo," and start sweating and crying. It's never a good feeling, and it caused Britney Spears to bite off all her nails in horror. Tragically, poor Don left the stage crying out "Did you see Britney's eyes?!" to which we say yes, Don. Yes, we did. They were dilating in fear. Someone put on Crossroads and make this all better.
4. Vincent Thomas
You guys, meet Tom Cruise's genetically cloned progeny, Vincent — or as we call him, Vinny. We expect him to carry on Tom's legacy and impregnate James Van Der Beek anyday now. Tragically, Vinny was slightly pitchy and chose to wear a shirt instead of a tank top (major fail), which resulted in his dismissal from Britney's palace. All we can say is that this dude's no Emblem3.
BONUS: Charles Spangler
All you need to know is that he was drunk, he was mustached, and he was singing "Tainted Love" with a partial mullet. Annnnd scene.