On a scale of one to ten, we love The X Factor this much (holds up jumbo bag of shrimp chips). What other show gives fans the chance to curl up on the couch, spray liquid "butter" on a bucket of popcorn, and enjoy the dulcet tones of hopeful starlets across this great nation? Sob, we are so full of American pride and carbs right now, we could explode into soooong!
Of course, with great power comes great responsibility — and it's up to our beautiful judges (looking at you, Demi's lone tear) to weed out superstars in a sea of WTF horror. Without further ado, we bring you the two worst performances of The X Factor's premiere (part 2!).
Lexa Berman's Body's Too Bootylicious For You
We loved the fact that Lexa felt the need to break into a spontaneous dance routine in the middle of a parking lot. And we double loved the Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo dance-off she chose to have with herself in front of a mirror. What we didn't love? How tight her pants were. It's like none of these ladies have even heard of a yeast infection. Also, Britney called Lexa "boring," so girlfriend might as well change into a pair of Pink by Victoria's Secret sweats and drown her sorrows in spray tan.
Patrick Ford For The Win
Honestly we don't know why Pat Ford is on this list. He is our personal muse. First of all, he referred to Britney as God (high fives for everyone!). Second of all, he brought Britney flowers, which is more than any of her other devotees have done, pshhhhh. And finally, he fan-girled all over the stage in a frenzy while belting out "Circus." Sure, it was tragically off-key — but our theory? Patty Cake purposefully did a bad job to show his respect. To quote his royal stan-ness, "I would never argue with Britney. EVER."