The time has come to take a trip to X Factor Land, where Khloe Kardashian and her friend Amario Lopez guide us on a spiritual journey through the hills and valleys of Britney Spears' weave. Tonight marks the third week of live shows, so you'd think Khloe would have mastered how to speak into a microphone. Sadly, this isn't the case, and she instead spent the evening yelling "thumb action" at people. Basically, she is kompletely out of kontrol, and decided live TV would be a good time to introduce us to her alter-ego "Khlo-Money."
Annnnd, moving on. Aside from a few WTF moments, the show was utterly and completely amazing –– probably because the contestants were performing SONGS OF THE DIVAS, which we feel the need to both capitalize and italicize.
Of course, we spent most of tonight's episode drowning in Mario's dimples, but when we came up for air, what awaited us was glorious. Britney uttered beautiful musings like "it's like a disco ball exploded on stage," Demi's clip-in ponytail was longer than the trail of cheetos from our fridge to our couch, L.A. was chill bumping all over himself, and the performances were spot on.
And we use the term "performances" loosely — Beatrice's songtressy rendition of "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper was more like a poetic sound experiment, and featured a giant hourglass projected behind her (which we can only assume foretells doom). Then again, in the words of Beatrice's inspirational beanie, "YOLO."
Meanwhile, Carly Rose Sonenclar's stunning performance of "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, made us this close to throwing ourselves in the Atlantic on a quest to find Jack — that's how good it was. And yeah, yeah, Diamond's rendition of "Halo" by Beyonce was awesome, but Blue Ivy slept through it in a puddle of drool, so whatever.
Of course, Carly and Diamond were nothing compared to Emblem "We Heart Kittens" 3. Watching these dudes prance around on stage and sing "No One" by Alicia Keys was like being at a Cher concert at Las Vegas — if Cher was three teenage boys. (In other words, it ruled our face.)
But the real piece de resistance? (Other that Simon Simon Cowell's blooming chest hair). Tate Stevens' moving rendition of "From This Moment” by Shania Twain. He gave us the chillbumps, guys. Tate's performance was soulful, heartfelt, and the fact that it was preceded by a bunch of ‘80s photos of his wedding definitely helped things. We want him to be our dad, our uncle, our brother, and our lover all rolled into one big ball of cowboy. If it's wrong, how come it feels so right?
By the way, the Fifth Harmony girls have become the village bicycles of The X Factor. Not only is Lauren Jauregui dating Emblem3 member Keaton Stromberg, now Normani Hamilton is all up in Arin Ray's grill. It's like, ladies. Round of applause, we love you like sisters. OMG, we LYLAS.